Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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