My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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