I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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