you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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