He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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