i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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