he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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