I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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