dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
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We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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