Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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