How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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