sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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