Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
