Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
