I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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