I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
