I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Life is so much better after having sex.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
