Your mouth is God's brothel.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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