I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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