I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
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This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
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How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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