ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
