You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
