saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
