I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
