I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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