Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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