I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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