Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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