I accidentally burped into my bong.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
