My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
