I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
