So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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