i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
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