Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
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He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
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Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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