So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize