omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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