Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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