You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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