my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
