I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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