omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
