My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We need to get me chipped asap
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
