I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
