I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
