the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
