I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
