i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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