why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
