i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
