So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
