I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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