if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
either way he was missing a nipple.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
