He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
