theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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