how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
