are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
