This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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