Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
