Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
