If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
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The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
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FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
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