porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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