I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
