Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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