my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
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I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
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Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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